Hello to 2012

2012 is going to be my year of self.  As 2011 was one of the hardest years for me, of all time, I want to use this new year to rejuvenate my spirit, calm my soul, and find my true self.  This will be a two-step process:

Step 1: Smile

I recently read a study in Blink, by Malcolm Gladwell, that science has proven that not only to emotions trigger facial expressions, but that facial expressions can trigger emotions. Apparently, by just forcing yourself to smile, even if you are not in a good mood, the act of smiling will trigger your brain to release hormones that are associated with happiness. This not only makes you feel happier, but it also helps improve health, reduce stress, and provides a whole host of other positive benefits that science is only beginning to study. So my reaction – I am going to smile, smile and smile. Even if I’m sad, stressed, board, frustrated, etc. – I am going to smile.  No matter how forced it feels. 

I started this on 1^st January, and have already seen and felt results. I woke up this morning upbeat and content. More so than I have felt in a long time. When I started to feel sad about a particular matter, I forced a smile and my worries started to seem less overbearing.  So in short, the results are almost instantaneous. I will see if this continues over time, but I have resolved to smile every second I can remember to.

In another study I read it said that your face, as you age, tells the type of life you had. If you were a grumpy person, your wrinkles show that – hence the grumpy old man face. Conversely, if you are always smiling, your wrinkles magnify what a great and happy person you are. I want smiling wrinkles, and not frowning ones. So by taking this approach, I’m hoping to imprint my happiness on my face.

Step 2: Walk

Anyone that knows me knows that I have struggled with my weight since I was a child. I have tried diets, exercising, meditation, etc. – you name it, I have tried it. I recently started jogging 3-4 times a week (for about a month and a half), trying to eat healthier, drink more water, etc. However, with all the work I didn’t see any results. So in this year, instead of trying things that don’t work, giving up after exhaustion and moving on to something new, I have decided that I want to walk more. Walk to work, to the market, to the train, etc. I am thinking by walking every day, I can not only improve my cardiovascular health, but also make exercise a lasting part of my routine.  I plan to start this by walking to and from work every day (it’s about a 50 minute walk each way); unless it is raining hard of course.

I figure walking will provide two benefits: First and foremost, it will give me good cardio exercise; especially in the humid tropical climate with many steep hills. Secondly, it will also give me time to examine my thoughts, calm down before I reach home, and meditate on life.

Let’s see if smiling and walking can improve my life – and make this year the best one yet! I’m hoping for it – but will smile no matter what the outcome is.

Searching for Self

Finding my inner beauty

Looking deep inside

Peeling away the outer layers

Experience, virtue, pride

Learning to love self

Shedding need for other

Building a strong foundation

Without family, friends or lover

Realizing judgment day

Accountability all alone

Must improve own self

Need myself to be my home

The choice must be made

Path laden with much difficulty

Avoidance leads to stagnation

Persistence may grow tranquility

The Whale

A whale beached upon the shore
Eyes wide with fear, mind lost in confusion
A choice – acted upon brought him here
But now present – regret sits in

A scientist comes upon the scene
Her whole life waiting for this moment
Drawing on experience, she tries to control
Hoping her effort will make the difference

Buckets are filled to drench the whale
Easing the pain of the magnifying sun
Food is furnished – the whale’s favorite fish
Food is comforting – to her it seems

But no matter how much she tries and tries
The whale’s anguish grows and grows
Stuck – just stuck – with no way to move
More effort from her does not equal results

She doesn’t want the whale to die
Not mind, not body, not soul
The thought pains her more than he is aware
Her life dedicated to his conservation

Both on the beach – emotions are high
Fear, pain and loss of what to do
Frozen in time, but inextricably linked
Just praying for the tide to come in

Meditation – Preparation

Every year for Ramadan I try to add something positive to my life, in the hopes of making the act a habit. In the past I have added additional prayers, readings and good deeds.  However this year, I’m at a total loss for what I want to do. As Ramadan is already 1 week in, I need to think fast. (I heard you only need 21 days to make a habit, and as of today I have exactly 21 days left.)

Before the month started, I considered adding additional readings to my to-do list. However, I usually don’t have time to read the things already on my list, so adding something more just caused me stress.  Then, I thought of doing more prayers. However, I’m still working to fully embrace the additional prayers I already do (and want to work on drawing complete fulfillment from them first before adding any more). So last night, I decided to try meditation.

Ever since I lived in NY, my body has yearned for serenity of body, mind and soul (in Arabic ‘saqina’, which according to Wikipedia means peace, serenity and tranquility). I figured if I moved to a new country, one that would be theoretically less stressful, this serenity would come naturally. However, I quickly realized that the more time I have, the more my head filled with thoughts and worries. I am thankful for the ability to think, it’s a true gift from God, but sometimes I just want to shut off the noise in my head.  No, I am not a schizophrenic (I don’t have other people talking to me), but I do have my inner self talking to my all the time. Usually the message is negative (‘what if xy happens’, ‘why do you feel this or that way’, ‘why do you look this or that way’, ‘why didn’t I do x’ or ‘why did I do y’… the list goes on and on).  I honestly think I’m my own worst enemy sometimes. Negativity feeds negativity.

I’m optimistic that meditation is the best solution.  For one, I’m hoping it will teach me to block negative thoughts.  As these thoughts are in my head, they theoretically come from my subconscious. By learning how to silence them (I hope), with a bit of luck I can learn how to critically analyze them; eventually changing their message – my message to myself.  Secondly, if I can silence my inner voice from time to time, I can truly relax – something that I honestly think I have never experienced. I can lay down to sleep in complete silence – no running message going over the things I accomplished, need to accomplish, need to plan, etc.

Now this meditation will have an Islamic core. Instead of trying to clear my mind of all thoughts, I plan to focus my mind only on God; and clear away all else. I can start small; focusing on the Oneness of Him. Then move to His blessings, and ultimately the wonders of His creation.  Many Muslims don’t realize that meditation is Sunnah (an activity undertaken by the Prophet). My belief is that through meditation, one’s soul can be cleared from this world and transcended to something higher.

I really hope this will take me on entirely new journey – a journey within.

The Smells of KL

What is up with all the bad smells in KL?  For starters, what is with this haze?  I moved here to get fresh tropical air, feel the warm oceanic breeze, and get out of all the pollution created by the ‘Western-world’.  So it was a complete shock when I looked out the window of my office a few weeks ago and thought the entire city was up in smoke – I honestly thought there was some major forest fire occurring as I had never seen pollution this bad before.  After some inquiry I came to realise that it was a result of all the slash and burn tactics that farmers are doing, mostly on the Indonesian Island of Sumatra.  Now, I’m usually one of the first people to stick up for farmer’s rights, at least small family farms, but this is ridiculous!!  All these industrial farms in Sumatra have found it more affordable to take a short-cut and burn their crops at the end of their lifecycle instead of choosing the environmentally friendly and economically stimulating option of hiring labourers to remove the old crops before re-cultivating the land.  I mean, really…. How is this allowed when on a global level we are ‘suppose’ to be decreasing pollution.  All this smoke creates an interesting smell when you go outside – a faint essence of fire – that makes the air feel really thick when you breath it in (which it is because you are breathing in so much pollution).  It even makes me rethink running outside.

On to smell number 2: insecticide.  Yes, Malaysia is a tropical jungle, so of course there are a lot of bugs.  However, is that really that bad?  I’m super bug-phobic, just ask my husband.  However, I acknowledge (if not appreciate) that God created bugs for a reason – they play a vital role in the environment that should not be disturbed.  Additionally, isn’t it common sense that pesticides are unhealthy.  The entire organic food movement is based on these two facts – and this is a growing market.  So why do ALL, and I mean ALL, businesses, homes, etc. have to pour massive amounts of insecticides over every inch of man-made floor?  For example, my apartment ‘must’ for some unknown reason get sprayed every two months.  The smell is so bad that I have to open all the windows and re-clean the entire apartment right after the guy is gone.  When I ask him to not spray the kitchen, especially the pantry where I keep my food and dinnerware, he looks at me in bewilderment.  I mean really?!?!  I guess not.  Does that make logical sense not to spray your food and plates with chemicals?  Plus, the smell lasts for over a month – no matter how much I clean.  Even at work someone comes ever couple weeks to spray the floors and walls.  Of course this is done during work hours, because well… why not.  So I’m left covering my face and eyes with a scarf from the time they enter till about 30 minutes after they are gone, just to keep my eyes from tearing up and my through from tingling.

The final smell that blows my mind is the fresh blood smell in the grocery store meat aisle.  Fresh meat is a luxury in many countries, and I understand that, but I choose to shop at real grocery stores, and not wet markets, to better ensure the meat I’m buying is fresh and safe.  However, every time I go to pick up chickens it sickens me that there is all this fresh blood in the bag and in the bottom of the refrigerated meat shelf.  The smell is pretty much undescribable – something that you have to smell for yourself. 

Anyway, if you ever come to KL be prepared for amazing sights, wonderful people, and ‘interesting’ smells…

Stingray Anyone?

So today for lunch I tried something new... Stingray!! Just to be honest, I didn't know what I was ordering until after I purchased it. 

In the US, I'm not aware of anyone who eats it.  My ONLY two experiences with stingrays are when (1) my mother was stung in Galveston one summer when I was small, and (2) hearing that a stingray resulted in the untimely death of Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, in 2006.  Thus, stingrays to me are ruthless predators - leaving unpleasant memories at best.  So, I wasn't compelled to eat it.  I mean "you are what you eat" right?  And I want people to like me. :-) 

So this brings us back to lunch.  My co-workers assured me that I would be fine - that stingray was edible, and even quite tasty.  After taking pictures, and getting my courage up, I dove in.  The results were quite surprising.  It was actually delicious!!  The meat was tender and flaky - almost like a mix between crab and lobster.  I wasn't able to taste the meat on a stand-alone basis, as the sauce it was cooked in permeated the meat.  However, after this experience, I'm definitely open to eating it again.

Apparently it's best grilled - which would allow me to get a full dose of the flavour.  I'll start looking out for it, and update once I have tried it.

Good Deeds

I was very blessed while growing up.  Through school, church, the Girl Scouts and other organizations, I was given a plethora of opportunities to volunteer in the broader community.  From bakes sales to raise money for charities, to painting the walls at an aging retirement home I had ample opportunities to connect with people, feel good about myself, and at least for a fleeting moment, think that I have made a difference.

However now that I am working, I’m finding it much harder to give back. Sure, I can donate a few dollars to a charity or religious organization, but as my mom always told me “time is way more valuable than money… anyone can donate money (even if it’s a small amount) but few people donate your time.” You see, donating time requires real commitment.  It takes dedication to determine what skills you have to offer, what organization(s) or causes can benefit from those skills, and how to fit the donation of your time into your busy schedule.  I’m in no way saying that donating money is wrong or not needed, because as anyone with NGO can attest – not-for-profits always welcome and are in need of donations.  Rather, I’m arguing that to really give of yourself, to really make a difference, donating your time and skills can make a bigger impact – especially in your own life.   

For the average person, when you donate money you may take some time to research where you want to donate. However, once the money is transferred, most people quickly forget that they even donated, and rarely if ever check up to see what their money resulted in. When you donate time, the impact to the volunteer usually lasts a little longer – remembering how you felt during the volunteer assignment, feeling the appreciation of others or even appreciating yourself.  Now some may say that this is a selfish reason to volunteer, but I beg to differ.  I believe God mad volunteering and doing good deeds ‘feel good’ because it is a good thing to do.  There is nothing wrong with doing something that lightens your heart, puts a smile on your face as well as others, and generally leaves you with pleasant memories. With that said, even these feelings go away after time. 

I believe the only way to really change yourself on the inside through doing good deeds, is to do good deeds on a repetitive basis. Now that I’m an adult, with real skills that can be utilized (like accounting and bookkeeping, fundraising, writing, and communication skills) I believe I have an obligation to give back to the community. 

There is so much injustice and suffering in the world that I see, hear about and read about on a daily basis. I need to stop just feeling it’s wrong, and start doing something about it.    But what can I do? Well the first step, is to research what is in the area.  In KL I’m particularly affected by how beautiful the jungle is.  As more and more developments go up, more and more jungle (and all the flora and fauna associated with it) are destroyed – primarily for profits. Maybe I can join a wildlife conservation society or environmentally-focused community group. I also am extremely moved by the number of people I see here with disfiguring illnesses and disabilities.  This is shocking to me because in the US, most people have access to healthcare where they get treatment.  The most appalling are the men who have lost limbs and whose skin is infected with sores.  Are these sores treatable? Are they able to get medical attention?  I could try to contact some medical professionals and organise a group to meet once a month and walk the streets and make on-the-spot consultations of medical treatments that can be done to help.

These are just thoughts for now.  I’m interested to know what others in KL do to volunteer and give back. I’m open for ideas.